We have met with and chosen our midwife.
We know where we want to deliver (Swedish in the Highlands).
I have been taking prenatal vitamins for two months.
I have been off birth control for two full cycles and we have been "careful" (obviously careful enough and I am obviously someone who will not just get pregnant super fast even though everyone keeps telling me that I will not knowing I have been off the pill for two months already with no luck).
I am on the last day of my period.
Tomorrow is the big day...the day we officially start "trying".
Or...not trying to not get pregnant.
We are pumped! Matt is already super supportive. He listens, chimes in even. He has opinions about strollers and cribs and names...
I love that he is equally excited.
And, that he is doing all he can to keep me calm.
My biggest fear in life is that I will not be able to carry our children.
I have learned all I possibly can now. I have been asking questions about this since I can remember. I have held as many babies as I possibly could, change a bajillion diapers, read lots of books, listened to lots of moms, watched my mom be a mom, nannied, taught thousands of kids, and have thought out every pro and con there is to think about with this. I know this journey is not one I can plan (as I do with everything else in my life). That is what frightens me the most. I do not know when we will get pregnant, if we will get pregnant, if we will ever lose a baby, if I will be happy while I'm pregnant, if I will have morning sickness and not be able to dance, if I will not handle the pain well, if I will be the crabbiest woman alive with no sleep....all I know is this: I will love this child more than life itself. Matt will love this child more than life itself. I will love Matt even more which seems impossible (I daydream a lot about Matt with our kids). Our child will grow up in a home with more love than is imaginable. Our child will be raised by a community. Our child will have 30 big sisters and 60 parents to watch them grow and help their mommy & daddy when they have to work. Our child will grow up with food on the table and a roof over their head. Our child will grow up in a community where crime is rare and friends are plenty. Our child will grow up in a place with opportunity and diversity. Our child will have an extended family that loves them more than I could have ever imagined for them. Our child will be loved. And that, is what makes me know we are ready and that it will all be okay. I imagine a beautiful life ahead...
I picked up my "What to Expect Before You're Expecting" book tonight and played a game with myself. I would open the book at random and see if I knew everything on that page...I passed.
It's probably a bad thing that I know so much. It is a bad thing that I know so much. I know what to look for, I know what to do. Now...I just wait.
I will not be charting my temperature or using ovulation kits. Not yet.
We're going to just do it...ha, literally.
We're going to have fun. I'm going to chill. Wait...I'm going to try to chill.
Watching my mom and dad go through miscarriage and lose, I associate those things with lose. I associate those things with frustration and sadness.
I want this journey to be fun. I realize that word is bland, but that is really all I hope for..that we enjoy this time together. That I can put my fears and anxiety aside and enjoy this time.
Obviously, my hope is that it happens right away.
That three weeks from today we will know we are pregnant.
This has been the plan since our getaway in Seabrook (April 2012).
We said that in July after my period we would start trying. So, here we are.
We made this decision on my 24th birthday and get to make it happen just after Matt's 26th.
Yes, my job is intense right now (for the summer).
But...we have talked about it and...my job will always be intense.
Owning a dance studio is not easy and it never will be. But, we have lots of help and we will use it when needed.
I have heard lots of input from family, dance moms and friends both supportive and unsupportive. Lots of "You're too young...you've got time...Matt should finish school...what about dance?..." and finally a couple weeks ago Matt said, "Seriously Chelsea...who cares what they say?! Is it their life? This is one decision that we do not need to ask anyone's input on. We are married. We get to decide to have a family!" He is right. We do get to decide that. We did decide that.
{This blog is going to be more important to me than ever before.
I have been writing in my journal but I can't get it written on paper fast enough. Typing it all out lets me get every single thought out quick enough (I'm a fast typer).}
Tomorrow it's time to get real...
Eating healthier, lowering stress, not sweating the small things & just enjoying my time alone with Matt.
I am so excited. I feel equally scared.
I thought that meant I wasn't ready, but after talking with a lot of my dance moms I was assured that you're never ready...there will always be one more dollar to save or one more vacation to go on...you just have to take the jump.
We're going to try to have a baby!
This is it!...now the journey really begins...
Love, Chelsea
