Could it Be?! Super Faint...But...

Tonight I took a test around 8pm. Today I am on CD23 on our 5th Cycle of trying...

It is the faintest of faint, but both Matt and I can see it...there is a 2nd line! 

I would only be 3 weeks and 2 days pregnant today.

I'm doing my absolute best to not get too excited right now, but really...that's pretty much impossible.

I just took the picture of the test and couldn't believe that I could still see it. 

I keep zooming in. 

Now that I just put it up here I realize no one is going to be able to see it except me.

Matt promised me that I'm not crazy and that he definitely see's it too. 

Then I cried. Then I jumped around like a crazy woman in the living room and then fell to the ground almost in the same instant sobbing because I was scared that I got that happy. Matt just held me smiling from ear to ear. He said he'll have his real wow moment with the excitement and tears and all that good stuff when the lines are clearly more defined. (Totally understandable.)

{look a tad to the right of the black little marks} 

Maybe I am crazy. 

It is still very early.

We went to Target tonight for a late night run for chewy prenatal vitamins because I gagged and puked up my pill kind yesterday morning (sign of things to come?). We also picked up another box of tests. I used one two days ago and it was obviously negative. I don't know why I am so wasteful with these things. 

I'm going to take one tomorrow afternoon because I feel like tomorrow morning is too close to tonight. Then my team kids and I are having a sleepover at the studio for their Christmas party and I'll take one again on Sunday night after we hang out with our besties Chris & Katie. 

*Side Note*

Gross, but real. I'm super gassy. Toots and burps. All-day-long. This has been happening for the past 2 days. Yesterday and today. Yesterday the following happened...AM, gag/puke prenatal vitamin....toots/burps all day....heartburn at night. I haven't had heartburn since we lived in FL which was almost 4 years ago. 

I'm so nervous right now. But so so so happy. For this moment, I'm just going to let myself be. I'm going to let myself believe it, that I just may be pregnant....

Cycle 5, CD20: Cramping

So I have been having cramping. Just the same as I get before I get my period. It happened a bit during the day yesterday and then all night last night. To the point where it got uncomfortable at times. Then today it was on and off again. More on the left side but mostly just low, period cramp feeling. It's definitely way too early to be period cramps. I usually don't get them until the day before my period or during. No period today so...the question is, what were they? Implantation? God, I hope so. I really can't help getting excited now. I'm still reserved, but excited. Hopeful. I'm still going to test on Friday morning. I can't wait :) 

Impatient: CD18, Cycle 5

I'm really sucking at this waiting game. I wish that I could just not think about it. I know that's all I need to do right now but I can't help it. I am constantly thinking about it. If we're not pregnant this month again I think I am going to talk to a counselor just to make things easier. It's hard to wait for something you have not much control over and you've been waiting for for years. I have always known it wasn't going to be easy for us. I have always had that feeling. All my fears are slowly coming true each month we're not pregnant. Everyday I'm just waiting until the next one so we're closer to being able to test. I just want to know either way. I want to know if I can get excited right now or if I can move on. I don't like this middle stuff. I am such a planner and I'm not doing so hot with this TTC thing. I don't want to have to wait anymore and I obviously know I have no choice. I know the best thing to be doing is keeping my mind off of it. I would do anything to just be able to know now. I have been having a roller coaster of a cycle. I go from feeling totally fine about it to feeling absolutely terrified of having to wait another month...or more. There is no one I can really talk to about it anymore without feeling crazy. There are some things I don't want to hear. I don't want to hear, "If you stop thinking about it, it will happen." I don't want to hear, "Just relax." I really don't want to hear, "It's happening this way for a reason and you'll find out what that is one day, just not right now." I really can't imagine anything that would make waiting like this worth while. I have been off the pill for 7 cycles now. That is a lot of waiting. And I just so happen to be the most impatient person in the world. When I am ready to do something, I do it. If it's hard to do, I find a way to make it happen...always. This is different. There is no way I can just "make it happen." We have done all we can at this point and now we just have to wait. I feel good knowing that our midwife told me that I can have blood work taken in February if we're still not pregnant by then. We'll have Matt checked then, too. This is really one of the hardest things I have ever been through. There are so many emotions involved. Excited, happy, worried, scared, anxious, stressed. How, through all of that, are you supposed to just be calm and "have fun" with it all. I really just don't get that. 

It feels so good to write. Good to know that I can say whatever I want but don't have to hear anything hurtful back. I had a bit of a freak out moment at Thanksgiving. We went around and told everyone what we were thankful for. I said how I was thankful for Matt and how supportive he has been as this has not been easy for me. I cried...a lot. I could barely talk. It was really embarrassing. Then, later that night, our baby names came up. I am not sure how they came up, but it did and we told Chris & Megan our names. I cried like a freak again. Chris didn't realize I was still talking and started being silly and I got so so upset that he would do that in that moment that meant so incredibly much to me that I freaked. I was crying and yelling but mostly just crying. He apologized immediately, not knowing that we were still talking and then I felt bad too for freaking out.

I'm just really sick of being so emotional like this. I'm so jealous of everyone who can just "get pregnant". I realize I am really not alone with how long this is taking. I realize that in reality we haven't been waiting "long" at all compared to some. 

I am just really ready to be done trying. I'm so ready to be pregnant and to be a mom. I want nothing more than to have our baby in our arms. I can't stand this waiting game. I wish we would have started trying earlier. I know I am still young, but that has always been my plan. I always thought by my age I would have a baby already, not still be trying to conceive. Once again...I'm finding that my "plans" aren't always working out the way I had hoped for. We want 3 or 4 kids. At this point I just want to know we can have any. 

Only a few more days until I can start peeing on sticks again to see. I would really do anything to see "pregnant"... It would truly be the best Christmas of all time. 

Cycle 5, CD 14

I have some good feelings about this month and I really hope I'm not jinxing myself by writing this. I have been working really hard lately at trying to be in tune to my body and just more aware. Today, I got up and noticed right away that I didn't feel right. I was super tired. Exhausted really, all day. I taught two classes this morning and kept having to hide my yawns from all the dance moms outside watching. I felt so bad. This afternoon I felt nauseous (I know it's way too early for morning sickness) but it was just one more thing that I was feeling funky with. I also had lower back pain. Just weird.

So I just had an inkling, I know none of those things, other than being tired are ovulation signs, but still. Around 3pm I decided to use one of my wondfos and see if I really was ovulating.

Ding Ding Ding. Two bright identical lines. The test line was actually super dark before the control line even matched up. We had time to do the baby dance again. Yay! 

I took two more tonight and they were still super dark. I'm hoping that means that we got 3 good times in all in my fertile time. We shall see...

I'm going to use my wondfo hpt's next week beginning on Sunday night.

I'm still taking my prenatals and trying to drink more water. 

With Thanksgiving and Christmas kicking into gear starting tomorrow, the wait until then should go fast. I would be 3 weeks and 3 days then, so I could technically know then. I'd also be on CD25 and my cycles are 26 days sometimes. 

I'm just so excited this month. Now that we are using the OPK's I just feel so much better about everything!! :) 

-Chelsea-

Cycle 5, CD 11: Positive OPK!

We bought the good, expensive kind this month.

My midwife told me at my appointment on Tuesday to begin testing with my OPK on Day 10. I started on Day 8 because I'm impatient. 

We got the kind with circles or smiley faces. Got home today from our errands around 4:15pm and I had to pee super bad. The box directions say to not test unless you haven't peed for 4 hours, so while we were out I held it. Tested as soon as I walked in the door and...

SMILEY FACE.

I realize this is not nearly as exciting as a pregnancy test saying positive, but just knowing that "something" was positive was the best feeling ever. Thankfully we have no plans the rest of the night so we were free to do the baby dance immediately. Ha, I was jumping around so excited. I don't think I've ever been more excited about it in all my life. Matt thought it was pretty comical (thankfully I have an awesome husband who gets equally excited about these things). 

Now I am just chillin' in bed hoping that amazing things are happening right now :) Ha. TMI?? I'm kind of the queen of that. We're all human people. I'm just sitting in bed creating one, that's all. Well...hopefully ; ) My mom told me that when she went through all of her fertility treatments that the doctors had her sit in bed for an hour after. I realize I am not going through fertility treatments, but I am also going to stay in bed for an hour. I've got my blogs, Pinterest and my book. I'm good :) Matt was rubbing my tummy, saying "C'mon guys!" I love it. 

I always have such bad feelings thinking that I don't ovulate at all. I am also pleased that I know my body and always knew that I actually do ovulate early. Last month was a weird month where my cycle lasted 31 days when it's usually between 26-29. Now I know I'm going to have another short cycle. Yay!! Less time to wait! 

So this means I ovulate this cycle on CD 12. 

A smiley face has never looked so good before! 

I'll test again tonight and tomorrow morning. We're going to do more dancing tonight and tomorrow morning, too. Fun :)

I'm so so happy right now. This could be the best Christmas of my entire life...

Fingers crossed for a positive pregnancy test next :) 

First Positive OPK 11-18-2012

Visit to our Midwife!

I thought I was due for my annual Pap because I go every November.

I was also excited because this gave me an opportunity to meet with our Midwife again and have a chance to talk to her and hear her thoughts about everything and see that we are in fact doing everything "right". 

I got there (to our amazingly beautiful and brand new hospital) and turns out that I had my last Pap in February so I did not need to get one. I'm not sure why I did it in February last year, maybe I put it off because I hate them? So I was worried that the nurse was going to tell me I should just go home, but she didn't. I got to meet with Lori (I'm not sure how she spells her name) again and again, I loved her :)

I feel super comfortable with her and am able to just be myself and ask questions without feeling judged in any way at all. 

She told me that it sounds like we're doing everything right, I just need to continue to work on being stress free and to "just have fun". I've never been good at "just having fun"...even when I was little. My parents would scold me when I was little for not just being like a kid. "Chelsea, just go play!...always followed by tears and me saying, "But I just don't-know-how!" I wasn't kidding. I was a weird little kid always trying to find ways to make money and start businesses lol. 

Anyways, Lori told me today that we should continue using our OPK's and this month I should pee on the sticks beginning on Day 10. Then, when I get a positive test, we should do the baby dance that day and the next two days and we should be good to go.

IF, I am not pregnant by February, then she said I can come in to start blood work, get an ultrasound to make sure my tubes aren't blocked and for Matt to get checked too. She said she doesn't think that will be needed if we do the OPK's and I chill :) 

As I was leaving through the doors to the lobby she called one more time and said, "Remember, just have fun!" So...I started the day off right. I went down to the gift shops (which carry Lululemon and all the top brand baby items...) and I bought myself a new sweater...an $87.00 sweater! Eek lol, I've never done that before. It actually felt so good. I didn't regret it at all. 

I'm really excited about this month and about using the OPK's. 

Matt and I agreed that we're going to go to Walgreens and get the good ones for this month instead of using the Wondfo's that I have left. 

I WILL however, be using those for the actual tests at the end of this cycle because you can tell so much sooner. Oh my goodness, I get so excited and emotional just thinking about it. 

I'm so excited to go back to the clinic. I really get such a happy feeling there. There were so many pregnant women in the lobby. One was there with her husband and mom and I could tell she was there to be induced. She was nervous/excited and it made me smile to myself to see :) I can't wait for that to be us...

*sigh* I'm feeling really just happy right now....I feel great about things!

-Chelsea-

*Baby Item Wishlist*

Let me start by saying, I have the best husband in the world.

This morning he took me to a shop in Bellevue called Merry Go Round. It is a baby/children's store that has all the top strollers and baby items. He knew I have been researching strollers for months now and that it is really important that before we have a baby that we have an incredible stroller. This is an item we are willing to spend the $$$ on.  When I told him about this shop, he was okay with going with me too browse, "as long as he didn't have to talk to the store people" :) 

The one we liked best today at this store is the UPPAbaby Vista 2012.

It is $699.99. It comes with both the seat and bassinet. The bassinet can be used from birth to 6 months. It has an x-large storage basket underneath. Seeing this stroller in person, the basket really is huge. The handle is height adjustable so that when Matt uses it we can put it higher. It is extremely smooth to push and turn. We did not get a chance to see how it folds down, but on the site it says that it has a one-step fold system. We are not big hikers, so this stroller will work perfectly for us. 

We have also decided on which baby carrier we want.

We will be getting the Ergobaby Original Baby Carrier. I have worn both the Ergo and a Bjorn while nannying and really do not like the Bjorn. It's really uncomfortable for me. The Ergo is so comfortable though. The baby feels secure and I never feel like I have to "hold on". It doesn't hurt my back and they aren't hideous to look at. I used to not like how the kids legs looked when seeing other moms wear them, but once I actually tried it I realized that they way they are seated is actually very comfortable. 

For $115.00, we will definitely be investing in this carrier.

I am already excited for Disneyland next year knowing I'll get to bring these items with us. They will both make Disneyland a much easier trip. If all goes according to plan and we do get pregnant this month, then our baby would be around 3 months old when we go. (We wouldn't plan for that, it's because I take my dance kids). 

Today we were walking around the mall and Matt told me I had to stop staring at people's strollers because a Dad was looking at me weird. He thought I was looking at his baby lol. Oops...

I just like to scope it all out. 

We also found the Moses Basket that we will be getting. 

We decided a long time ago that we would be getting a Moses Basket to use as a bassinet for our baby in our room when they're still a newborn and not in their crib yet. It's so convenient because if you need them to fall asleep close to you, you can bring the basket wherever you need to. We can also take it on trips with us. The one we found at Merry Go Round is absolutely adorable and felt very durable. It could definitely last through all of our kids. And, it has elephants on it (my favorite) so Matt said that is definitely the pattern we should get :) I love that man. 

Sometimes it just feels better to go out and really research all these things as if it will for sure be happening. I'm having a super positive attitude this month and am going to just go out there and say that this is our month. I can feel it. I'm not stressed out with work, at all. Things are falling into place at home. It just feels like the right time. It would be the best Christmas present of all time, too. 

Today is just CD4, but I'm so excited! I am so ready for this. 

I cannot think of anything better than being able to tell my parents we are having a baby in person.

I would be almost 7 weeks pregnant on Christmas Day. I would love nothing more than to be able to tell my family. Being 2,000 miles away is going to be hard for this, but being together for that moment would mean the world to me. I already know how I'd want to tell my mom & dad. : )

I could do some baby shopping with my mom while we are there and that would be so much fun too! 

.............................................................................

I'm going to go relax and work on my new Disney World puzzle and read "The Pact" :) 

-Chelsea- 

Here We Go Cycle #5

Today is unfortunately CD1...again. 

I had such a stressful month preparing to take my team kids to Disneyland.

Then, once we got to Disneyland, I hadn't realized my period was late...until it was 3 days late.

I was super excited while we were there. 

When we got home we took a test. We used the expensive digital one we were saving. The kind that actually say, "pregnant" or "not pregnant". 

It said... "Not Pregnant". Matt agreed, it was the biggest slap in the face. 

Then 2 days went by and still no period. 

I was getting a little worried that I was just going to skip it completely.

Then today...it showed up. So here we are, back to CD1. For the 5th time now. 

My cycle 4 was 31 days long. So now I can no longer say it's consistent. I have had a few 26 day cycles, 29 day cycles and now a 31 day cycle. I'm not really sure what to do. 

7th cycle off the pill & 5th cycle really trying.

I made an appointment for my yearly and made the appointment with our midwife so that hopefully she can answer some of my questions. I know we still haven't been trying long enough to be truly worried, but I am getting pretty tired of it. I do not want to have to buy another box of tampons for a long, long time. 

Matt said he has a good feeling about this month. 

I have had good feelings about every month. 

It would really be the best Christmas present of all time. 

This Month's Plan:

*Baby Dance every other day

*Drink lots of water, take prenatals, eat healthier

*Reduce stress (yoga, less working hours)

*Relax a LOT

*Breathe

*Have fun and enjoy the holidays 

All I want for Christmas is a positive test. That's the only thing...