I'm really sucking at this waiting game. I wish that I could just not think about it. I know that's all I need to do right now but I can't help it. I am constantly thinking about it. If we're not pregnant this month again I think I am going to talk to a counselor just to make things easier. It's hard to wait for something you have not much control over and you've been waiting for for years. I have always known it wasn't going to be easy for us. I have always had that feeling. All my fears are slowly coming true each month we're not pregnant. Everyday I'm just waiting until the next one so we're closer to being able to test. I just want to know either way. I want to know if I can get excited right now or if I can move on. I don't like this middle stuff. I am such a planner and I'm not doing so hot with this TTC thing. I don't want to have to wait anymore and I obviously know I have no choice. I know the best thing to be doing is keeping my mind off of it. I would do anything to just be able to know now. I have been having a roller coaster of a cycle. I go from feeling totally fine about it to feeling absolutely terrified of having to wait another month...or more. There is no one I can really talk to about it anymore without feeling crazy. There are some things I don't want to hear. I don't want to hear, "If you stop thinking about it, it will happen." I don't want to hear, "Just relax." I really don't want to hear, "It's happening this way for a reason and you'll find out what that is one day, just not right now." I really can't imagine anything that would make waiting like this worth while. I have been off the pill for 7 cycles now. That is a lot of waiting. And I just so happen to be the most impatient person in the world. When I am ready to do something, I do it. If it's hard to do, I find a way to make it happen...always. This is different. There is no way I can just "make it happen." We have done all we can at this point and now we just have to wait. I feel good knowing that our midwife told me that I can have blood work taken in February if we're still not pregnant by then. We'll have Matt checked then, too. This is really one of the hardest things I have ever been through. There are so many emotions involved. Excited, happy, worried, scared, anxious, stressed. How, through all of that, are you supposed to just be calm and "have fun" with it all. I really just don't get that.
It feels so good to write. Good to know that I can say whatever I want but don't have to hear anything hurtful back. I had a bit of a freak out moment at Thanksgiving. We went around and told everyone what we were thankful for. I said how I was thankful for Matt and how supportive he has been as this has not been easy for me. I cried...a lot. I could barely talk. It was really embarrassing. Then, later that night, our baby names came up. I am not sure how they came up, but it did and we told Chris & Megan our names. I cried like a freak again. Chris didn't realize I was still talking and started being silly and I got so so upset that he would do that in that moment that meant so incredibly much to me that I freaked. I was crying and yelling but mostly just crying. He apologized immediately, not knowing that we were still talking and then I felt bad too for freaking out.
I'm just really sick of being so emotional like this. I'm so jealous of everyone who can just "get pregnant". I realize I am really not alone with how long this is taking. I realize that in reality we haven't been waiting "long" at all compared to some.
I am just really ready to be done trying. I'm so ready to be pregnant and to be a mom. I want nothing more than to have our baby in our arms. I can't stand this waiting game. I wish we would have started trying earlier. I know I am still young, but that has always been my plan. I always thought by my age I would have a baby already, not still be trying to conceive. Once again...I'm finding that my "plans" aren't always working out the way I had hoped for. We want 3 or 4 kids. At this point I just want to know we can have any.
Only a few more days until I can start peeing on sticks again to see. I would really do anything to see "pregnant"... It would truly be the best Christmas of all time.
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