Day 19 :: TTC Thoughts

Today was hard.

I have a few campers this week that are less than friendly.

Lots of "Keep your hands to yourself!" and "If I have to tell you one. more. time!" 's. 

I'm irritated that their stressing me out. I have been doing such a good job staying calm this month. 

Just 8 more full camp days.

If I don't keep telling myself that, I'm afraid I won't make it. 

We knew this month was going to be hard for me.

I don't do well being patient for things, especially as they near closer.

I do a poor job at "living in the moment" when the moments I want way more are just days away.

I overdid it this summer.

11 summer dance camps plus opening our studio...yeah, not such a great idea.

You gotta do, what you gotta do... ($)

And for that, it was worth it.

I realized today that technically I can take a pregnancy test in 3 days.

I am just so nervous to take it.

I have taken tests in the past. I'm the queen of thinking I'm pregnant when I'm not...even times when I've been on the pill plus we were safe and still I'd convince myself. 

So now, on the first month that we actually tried...

I'm extremely anxious. 

I really want to wait until day 30 to take it. I don't want to just see a faint line...I want to know for sure. I want to buy the digital test right away to read "pregnant"...(hopefully).

Day 28 is a Thursday and I want to be able to enjoy that day, or have that day to be allowed to be sad and not have to lead a camp if we found out it is not our month. I will say that starting one week from now, I will be waiting for my period. I am very regular as I have been off the pill for 3 months now. I have gotten my period every 27-29 days. 

Eek, I'm just so nervous. I can't imagine how I will feel making it through Day 27 with no period and then Day 28...and then Day 29. How awful it will be if I got my period on Day 30 :( 

I'm doing my best to remain positive and to enjoy each day so they are fun and I have less time to think about it. My campers this week are not making that an easy task.

We leave for our Alaskan Disney Cruise in just 26 days...I'm doing all I can to focus on that instead of counting my days. Writing this I actually thought it was Day 18 and then re-counted realizing I was off a day, that was exciting :) Tomorrow is already Day 20 of our first cycle! It will be too good to be true if we are this month. Ever since I was a little girl I have had an extreme fear and feeling that I will not be someone who is able to get pregnant easily, or at all. It's why I'm obsessed with babies so much....I need to learn all I can. 

I feel like I've done that.

Now I'm just blabbing...therapy writing I guess :) 

I'll write again soon!

-Chelsea-