Today should be the last day of this cycle.
I have already mentally prepared myself for Day 1 to be tomorrow.
I cried a little bit last night. Probably a mix of being exhausted and just the mental toll this is taking on me. I do not want tomorrow to be Day 1. I want to be pregnant tomorrow. I am not going to even buy any tests until Sunday. I had weird crampy feelings a couple times though and I went to bed at 9:15 last night, which is usually how I am before my period. I also broke out on my face, which also happens every month a few days before my period.
I am not patient. At all.
I can't imagine going through this hurry up and wait all over again next month. I always knew it was going to take us more than one try. Now though, we are at the end of Cycle 3 and the end of my 5th month off of birth control. Those first two months we didn't use any protection either, but we weren't "trying" like we are now. If I am going on to cycle 4 this weekend, I am going to invest in some Ovulation Tests. Just a cheapy pack from Amazon.
I know that there are millions of people out there who have had to wait a lot longer than 3/5 months. And now, I just have a feeling I will be one of them. I know its completely normal for it to take up to a year. I just really do not like going through this each month. Like I told Matt last night. I just always feel like I'm counting my days instead of enjoying them. Always finding ways to make the month go faster, ways to make the days go faster. I hate that. I was doing such a good job before we started trying of living for the moment. Now its the opposite.
I am literally just waiting for my period to come.
What a negative way to look at things, huh?
I have to change that.
This month I had a "just do it" attitude and now I'm regretting it.
I drank more than usual because we were on vacation, I ate lots of tuna because its my favorite...like tuna sandwich every day (yum!) and I haven't been avoiding stress, I've been taking it head on.
Now I'm feeling a little guilty (minus the tuna lol).
I still take my prenatal vitamins every night after dinner. I have been taking those since May so almost 6 months.
Maybe this is just a sign that we are not ready yet. There are a lot of things that I think about each month we aren't pregnant. Like, "Okay, we are one month closer to all our debt being gone," "We are one month closer to Matt getting a job," "We are one month closer to getting a 4-door car," and "We are one month closer to having savings." Those are all good things. I can't help but think if we aren't pregnant this time, that Matt's going to be happy so that I can go on the rides with him at Disneyland at the end of the month. I'd rather sit on the side knowing theres a baby in my tummy and daydream about how much fun it will be to bring them there.
I just don't want to get my hopes up anymore. I'm sick of doing that. I am ready this time. When I get my period I will just look at it as a fresh start. As one more month to be more prepared.
I'm sure I will write more this weekend.
Today Matt has a counseling appointment and we have Avery here. I'm going to walk around the mall with her while he's there and then we're going out to lunch.
Tomorrow my dance kids are in our towns local parade and then we're going to sleepover at Matt's sister's new house. At least I'll be busy.
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