TTC Thoughts: Day 12 - Cycle 2

Summer camps are over and I have the next two weeks off.

This weekend has been so relaxing.

Matt was gone Friday night for our brother-in-law to be's Bachelor Party and I spent the weekend with our family. I had good girl time with Mel & Marie :) (SIL & MIL)

Today I got to go get my hair done and then went to Target (my fav) to get make-up I needed for Mel's wedding. I bought some bright pink lipstick (like Aurora pink) and I'm in love.

I've felt so relaxed and it feels so good. 

I'm still taking my temperature each morning, but I'm not good at taking it at the exact same time each morning. I don't like doing it because it ruins morning waking up time with Matt. I still haven't decided if it makes me feel better or worse. My chart is kind of all over the place. I'm not bringing it with us on the cruise. 

I'm doing a good job this cycle of staying positive. I have good feelings about this month and next. I'm super chill right now :)

-Chelsea-

Thoughts.

Now that we're on round #2 and I am on my 4th month without being on the pill, I've been feeling a little different about everything.

I am such a worry wart to begin with and now I keep thinking only the worst.

"What if we can never have kids?" "What if this is cycle #2 of 6 or 10 or 20..."

I have spent so much of my life taking care of other people's children, I am so beyond ready to love our own baby. I can't even imagine how amazing that must be. 

I want it to work this month.

I want this to be the month that we get pregnant. 

I want a May 2013 baby...a Disney Cruise anniversary baby.

We are going to bring pregnancy tests with us on the cruise.

That way...if it's positive which I am praying so hard for, then it will just be the most amazing thing in the whole world. I'm going to take the test on September 9th, that is also our 4 Year dating Anniversary and we have reservations already for a fancy formal dinner at Palo on the ship. I can just picture those first pictures with the test...in our stateroom...then going out to take pictures holding it up on the deck. I am giddy just thinking about it. I can almost feel it how perfect that would feel.

I imagine it looking like this...except, of course we would have Mickey and Minnie in our picture as well (remember, we did meet at Disney World!)

See, this is what I do...I get my hopes up way too much. 

If...it did end up being negative...then...we still are on a cruise...a Disney Cruise and we will still have an amazing time...and probably go have a few drinks and head to the hot tub! ; ) 

Either way, everything will be okay.

I ended up giving in and I started charting this month. Hopefully that will help us. It's actually fun to wake up and have to take my temperature each morning laying in bed knowing we are just that much closer to holding our baby. 

Just think happy thoughts for us if you're reading this. 

We want this to be the month so so bad...

-Chelsea- 

Day 1 Now: Cycle 2 Here We Go!

We are officially not the following:

*the couple that get pregnant before their married

*the couple that get pregnant while on the pill for a "surprise"

*the couple who get pregnant the second they stop the pill

OR...

*the couple who get pregnant the first month they try

We are officially:

*the couple who is now in their 2nd cycle of trying

Yesterday I was excited about it being Day 26...just 2 days until I would know if I would be getting my period or not. 4 days until I would take that test. I've been dreaming about that day. That day will have to wait. We think it's for the best and are seeing the positives to that. Every month that this doesn't work is just one more month of savings we will have. 

Well...last night I was woken up at 3am by the worlds worst cramps...and this morning I began on our new journey...

We're back to Day 1. And, I'm okay with it. We are now on our 2nd cycle of really "trying" and our 4th month without being on the pill.  This month's goals are to chill, drink more water and...do it even more ; ) Ha!  Those are all super easy to accomplish.

I told Matt I'm super excited for our cruise now. I can go on it and have a crazy amount of fun and not have to worry about any extra sea sickness or not being able to drink when Matt wants to. I'll be able to enjoy mimosas with the other bridesmaids at Mel's wedding AND enjoy the open bar ; ) 

I'm not surprised that my cycle was just 26 days, I had a few super stressful days that I had zero control of. Yesterday I had a parent freak out at me for no reason (a man)...it was scary. I am glad that there was no baby inside me to feel that stress. 

It is a little surreal to be on Day 1 all over again. 

The thought is now going through my head..."how many more Day 1's will we have?"

I'm not going to chart this month. This month is going to be way too much fun to be worrying about charting every morning. There is no way I'll want to do that on our cruise : )

I think this may be just what we need...a whole month of more relaxed time.

I have two days left of full day camp! Just 2!!! Holy cow!!!

Next weeks camp is my favorite age group, 4-6 yr olds...and just from 9-noon each day. Easy.

The following week I am off. I get to be home all day and just focus on getting ECD organized.

The following week, our last week of this cycle...we'll be on the cruise!

My only worry this month is that Matt will be gone at or soon-to-be BIL's Bachelor Party on two of the days around my O day. (We're just guessing when that happens because I don't chart yet). Matt promised to make time together before he leaves and right when he gets home :) 

So, that's our news.

Here we go :) 

Day 21:: TTC Thoughts (on Day 23)

Super Random Thoughts....and I'm publishing this on Day 23...usually get my period Day 27/28. Oh boy...I'm getting nervous. Like butterflies in my tummy nervous. I just can't help getting my hopes up. I had some weird things happen today (things that I won't share) and I'm more nervous now :) Eeeee...we shall see.

Okay, onto my thoughts from two days ago...

I drank 5 glasses of water today.

That is 5 more than normal (I know...horrible).

I peed like 10 times today. Symptom? No..

I know, I know...you just said you drank more water than usual...

I need to stop getting my hopes up. 

Today I would be 3 weeks pregnant. If I am pregnant. 

I have zero symptoms.

I'm extremely tired (I dance for 40 hours/week between camp & coaching) and I am peeing more (I'm drinking more water). I don't really count those as symptoms. 

I currently weigh 123 lbs. Sometimes 122. Depends on the day. 

(That's less than I weighed in high school...so awesome!)

I have been paying attention to that more so that when we do find out that I'm pregnant I can keep track of how much weight I gain (so I know what to lose later...) 

If we're pregnant this month, that's an end of April baby. 

I keep reminding myself that each month that passes will just be one month closer to Matt being done with school, us having more savings and us having a house. So I have positives either way. 

I could technically test in 2 days because sometimes I get my period on Day 27. I'm going to try to wait.

Tomorrow is my last day of full-day dance camp.

Next week will be stressful, but a different kind.

I can see the light at the end of the tunnel now!  

Last random thought...Matt and I both agree that we don't think this is the month. We tried. We did everything we could...for real...everything. And lots of everything even when I was exhausted from camp lol. Now we only wait. I think there may have been a day or two where our timing was off. I was also more stressed this month than I would have liked to be. (awful camp this week). 

We shall see.....

-Chelsea-

Day 19 :: TTC Thoughts

Today was hard.

I have a few campers this week that are less than friendly.

Lots of "Keep your hands to yourself!" and "If I have to tell you one. more. time!" 's. 

I'm irritated that their stressing me out. I have been doing such a good job staying calm this month. 

Just 8 more full camp days.

If I don't keep telling myself that, I'm afraid I won't make it. 

We knew this month was going to be hard for me.

I don't do well being patient for things, especially as they near closer.

I do a poor job at "living in the moment" when the moments I want way more are just days away.

I overdid it this summer.

11 summer dance camps plus opening our studio...yeah, not such a great idea.

You gotta do, what you gotta do... ($)

And for that, it was worth it.

I realized today that technically I can take a pregnancy test in 3 days.

I am just so nervous to take it.

I have taken tests in the past. I'm the queen of thinking I'm pregnant when I'm not...even times when I've been on the pill plus we were safe and still I'd convince myself. 

So now, on the first month that we actually tried...

I'm extremely anxious. 

I really want to wait until day 30 to take it. I don't want to just see a faint line...I want to know for sure. I want to buy the digital test right away to read "pregnant"...(hopefully).

Day 28 is a Thursday and I want to be able to enjoy that day, or have that day to be allowed to be sad and not have to lead a camp if we found out it is not our month. I will say that starting one week from now, I will be waiting for my period. I am very regular as I have been off the pill for 3 months now. I have gotten my period every 27-29 days. 

Eek, I'm just so nervous. I can't imagine how I will feel making it through Day 27 with no period and then Day 28...and then Day 29. How awful it will be if I got my period on Day 30 :( 

I'm doing my best to remain positive and to enjoy each day so they are fun and I have less time to think about it. My campers this week are not making that an easy task.

We leave for our Alaskan Disney Cruise in just 26 days...I'm doing all I can to focus on that instead of counting my days. Writing this I actually thought it was Day 18 and then re-counted realizing I was off a day, that was exciting :) Tomorrow is already Day 20 of our first cycle! It will be too good to be true if we are this month. Ever since I was a little girl I have had an extreme fear and feeling that I will not be someone who is able to get pregnant easily, or at all. It's why I'm obsessed with babies so much....I need to learn all I can. 

I feel like I've done that.

Now I'm just blabbing...therapy writing I guess :) 

I'll write again soon!

-Chelsea-

Day 14: TTC Thoughts

Today is Day 14 of our first month of TTC (trying to conceive). 

I am doing my absolute best to stay calm and stress free.

In this past week I have had camps everyday from 9-4, dealt with some ridiculous and unneccesary crazy dance mama drama & my iPad was stolen. And still, I only cried once and for about 30 seconds before I reminded myself I cannot be stressed. Matt and I are huge worry warts and I am trying to do my absolute best to not bring that on to our baby. I do not want them to feel my stress. Ever. Not now in the womb (if they're there...) and not ever in their life. They'll have their own stresses,  don't want them to feel ours too. 

I realized last night that today is Day 14. That's halfway through our first month of trying. 

We're having fun :) I'm doing my best to eat healthy (oops....I am currently chowing down on a bag of Raisinets Matt bought me)...eating healthy as I can (chocolate feels good when I'm stressing). 

We've been spending our nights watching the Olympics when I get home from dance. I've been going to bed way too late. I need to change that. 

So anyways, I'm super pumped about this month.

Last weekend we went to Babies R Us to just scope out all the good stuff and started an Amazon wish list for things we want to buy for our baby. Found the most comfortable glider I've ever sat in! I may buy that first just so I can chill in it and dream :)

This weekend we are going to Marie's company picnic at the zoo and chillin'! 

I can't wait to chill! 

I'm doing my best to not count the days of this cycle, but how can you not?! 

I know there is still 2 weeks until I can test. It's only been 2 weeks. Feels more like 8. I can't imagine having to do this all over again. I doubt I am one of those lucky ones who gets pregnant on month one of trying. Everyone around me seems to be that lucky. 

I am the most impatient person ever. 

All I can do is enjoy everyday and take lots of deep breaths. 

Things to Improve starting now:

*Need to drink more water, I drink the equivalent of maybe 1 botttle/day...and I'm dancing all day. I'm weird and never feel like I need a water break...I need to start though! I feel awful that I haven't been good about that.

*Need to eat even healthier 

Things I'm good about:

*Haven't had a drop of alcohol since we started this journey (not someone who drinks a lot anyways but I have been loving a glass of wine after dance lately...I stopped doing that)

*I take my prenatals everyday

*I am eating healthier than usual, more fruit and veggies

*I am letting things that usually stress me out, just roll off my back

-Chelsea-

This Is It!...Time to try!!

We have met with and chosen our midwife.

We know where we want to deliver (Swedish in the Highlands).

I have been taking prenatal vitamins for two months.

I have been off birth control for two full cycles and we have been "careful" (obviously careful enough and I am obviously someone who will not just get pregnant super fast even though everyone keeps telling me that I will not knowing I have been off the pill for two months already with no luck).

I am on the last day of my period.

Tomorrow is the big day...the day we officially start "trying".

Or...not trying to not get pregnant.

We are pumped! Matt is already super supportive. He listens, chimes in even. He has opinions about strollers and cribs and names... 

I love that he is equally excited.

And, that he is doing all he can to keep me calm.

My biggest fear in life is that I will not be able to carry our children.

I have learned all I possibly can now. I have been asking questions about this since I can remember. I have held as many babies as I possibly could, change a bajillion diapers, read lots of books, listened to lots of moms, watched my mom be a mom, nannied, taught thousands of kids, and have thought out every pro and con there is to think about with this. I know this journey is not one I can plan (as I do with everything else in my life). That is what frightens me the most. I do not know when we will get pregnant, if we will get pregnant, if we will ever lose a baby, if I will be happy while I'm pregnant, if I will have morning sickness and not be able to dance, if I will not handle the pain well, if I will be the crabbiest woman alive with no sleep....all I know is this: I will love this child more than life itself. Matt will love this child more than life itself. I will love Matt even more which seems impossible (I daydream a lot about Matt with our kids). Our child will grow up in a home with more love than is imaginable. Our child will be raised by a community. Our child will have 30 big sisters and 60 parents to watch them grow and help their mommy & daddy when they have to work. Our child will grow up with food on the table and a roof over their head. Our child will grow up in a community where crime is rare and friends are plenty. Our child will grow up in a place with opportunity and diversity. Our child will have an extended family that loves them more than I could have ever imagined for them. Our child will be loved. And that, is what makes me know we are ready and that it will all be okay. I imagine a beautiful life ahead...

I picked up my "What to Expect Before You're Expecting" book tonight and played a game with myself. I would open the book at random and see if I knew everything on that page...I passed. 

It's probably a bad thing that I know so much. It is a bad thing that I know so much. I know what to look for, I know what to do. Now...I just wait.

I will not be charting my temperature or using ovulation kits. Not yet.

We're going to just do it...ha, literally.

We're going to have fun. I'm going to chill. Wait...I'm going to try to chill.

Watching my mom and dad go through miscarriage and lose, I associate those things with lose. I associate those things with frustration and sadness. 

I want this journey to be fun. I realize that word is bland, but that is really all I hope for..that we enjoy this time together. That I can put my fears and anxiety aside and enjoy this time.

Obviously, my hope is that it happens right away.

That three weeks from today we will know we are pregnant.

This has been the plan since our getaway in Seabrook (April 2012). 

We said that in July after my period we would start trying. So, here we are.

We made this decision on my 24th birthday and get to make it happen just after Matt's 26th.

Yes, my job is intense right now (for the summer).

But...we have talked about it and...my job will always be intense.

Owning a dance studio is not easy and it never will be. But, we have lots of help and we will use it when needed.

I have heard lots of input from family, dance moms and friends both supportive and unsupportive. Lots of "You're too young...you've got time...Matt should finish school...what about dance?..." and finally a couple weeks ago Matt said, "Seriously Chelsea...who cares what they say?! Is it their life? This is one decision that we do not need to ask anyone's input on. We are married. We get to decide to have a family!" He is right. We do get to decide that. We did decide that. 

{This blog is going to be more important to me than ever before. 

I have been writing in my journal but I can't get it written on paper fast enough. Typing it all out lets me get every single thought out quick enough (I'm a fast typer).}  

Tomorrow it's time to get real...

Eating healthier, lowering stress, not sweating the small things & just enjoying my time alone with Matt.

I am so excited. I feel equally scared. 

I thought that meant I wasn't ready, but after talking with a lot of my dance moms I was assured that you're never ready...there will always be one more dollar to save or one more vacation to go on...you just have to take the jump.

We're going to try to have a baby!

This is it!...now the journey really begins...

Love, Chelsea